Pondering...

I like using the word ponder instead of think... sometimes the word think implies intensity and ponder implies an idleness that I can get behind on a hot summer day with nothing better to do.

So today I was checking my facebook and was becoming increasingly aware of all the happiness out there. It's a beautiful thing and I am happy for those who are swimming in their own happiness right now, but to be honest, all it makes me want to do at the moment is crawl under a rock. It's like a sun that is too bright and too close right now and I would much prefer the dark, damp cold of the underbelly of the rock. I hope this doesn't last too much longer because I have the honour of standing up for my friend at her wedding in just over a week's time. And before the wedding, I get the priviledge of going to Mexico to hang out with her, her family, his family and their friends. The atmosphere of love and happiness will be thick there and it scares me. Now... the people there wouldn't ever try to make me feel excluded or anything like that (it's not in their nature to do that, they are some of the kindest people I know) but by the fact that my heart is not whole, I will feel those things.

So now I am pondering how to put on a brave face, to smile and pretend to be happy in that glaring sunlight when all I want is to crawl under the rock... interesting, isn't it? Shouldn't I want to bask in the light of happiness, hoping that it leaves its mark on me? But I don't... I just want to shrink away...