I've been reading the comments of my good friends on here and on my facebook account in regards to my last entry and I have been learning a lot. I've been learning that you are all so wise and wonderful and caring. I really could not ask for more than what you have given me.
One of the things that I read over and over is that it comes down to choice at the end of the day: LOVE IS A CHOICE. I understand the feeling of attraction, of destiny, of divine appointment. But at the end of the day, there comes a time when a crisis lurks, stress overtakes or age and years together causes the memory of the first inklings of love to diminish or even be forgotten. And that is where choice comes in. When times are tough and you feel doubt, you have to choose. You can either choose to stay committed and to love that person (hopefully your best friend, lover and partner in life) or you can choose to walk away. That is the scariest part to me. What if I choose to love and Kelvin chooses to walk away? Who is truly left with no choice? Me...
Even though I am frightened and I have no idea what will come of this nearly two year relationship... I choose to love. I am taking that risk, even though it seems overwhelming that I may not be met with the same choice from the person I love. I have to accept that risk, I have to respect his choice (even God respects our right to choose... He gave us the free will to choose in the first place), and if need be, I have to choose to pick myself up and move on.
Oh... I seem so strong, stoic and the picture of the modern woman, right? Truth be told.... I am terrified of it all. Knowing your own choice but not theirs at the moment is heartbreaking in it's own way. I know I'll be fine, come what may (how can I not be, with these wise and wonderful friends at my side - near or far?) but it doesn't make it less frightening or torturing to just sit and wait.
I've prayed, I've cried and I've poured out my thoughts and heart here on this site... there is nothing left to do but wait respectfully and accept the choices of others and myself...
3 comments:
To quote an old friend, "Good on ya"
Angela,
Your honesty and introspect is so impressive. I think just about everybody is terrified in the way you are, at some point but you have expressed and shared it so eloquently. The strength of your faith is an awesome example! I will be praying for your continued peace as you await Kelvin's decision.
Angela,
You come across as a wonderful, loving and beautiful human being. I wish you all the happiness in this world and the courage to move ahead when you face difficulties too.
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